Nineteen years of motherhood

I experienced motherhood at quite an early stage. But it was the most beautiful experience of my life. I think United States has made that experience memorable. I travelled to the US when I was three months pregnant. So from January 1999 to November 1999, everything was happening for the first time in my life - marriage, making love, conceiving my child, travelling to other country, my first solo air travel, managing my luggage, spending time alone at the Singapore airport for more than eight hours and then finally reaching our US nest (our small studio apartment). The rest of the activities eventually unfolded - cooking, cleaning, learning (both technical and life skills), taking care of myself and the new life growing in my womb, managing guests, learning to know my husband who was who was not my family till then, acclimatizing to the new territory, ppl and the food,  handling a small day care part time, and trying to grasp the fact that I am now dependent on someone else – financially, emotionally and physically (literally in this order). 

And then on 30th November 1999 at 9.08pm a girl came into my life silently. She didn’t make any sound in the beginning. Except me, everyone was worried. I was not in my senses to understand that my baby hadn’t cried. But maybe something happened and a small bundle in a yellow top came in front of me in her father’s hand- the first thing I observed was her curious eyes. As if she was silently saying to me-“Welcome to the motherhood, lady”. I was reborn. From that evening onwards, my schedule had changed drastically. Each task revolved around my doll, her feeding, her constant crying, getting adjusted to feed and getting locked, her cleaning, changing. I don’t know how the first 3-4 months had gone. I got adjusted to my new role both physically and mentally after four months and then the adorable phase started. Seeing her developments, playing with her, telling her stories, roaming around with her, knowing when to give her space and freedom in her playtime and when to hold her close, all these experiences have given a very different perspective to my life, I would rather say that she has become my life. She was part of me, yet a separate identity of her own.

We returned to India when Sayali was about to complete two years and then we shifted to Pune post her 2nd birthday. For the last 16 years, we both have experienced many storms together. Sayali lost her dad when she was three. I just told her only once in the initial days of post death-“He is never going to come back. I don’t know where he has gone but now onwards it’s just her and me.” At the age of three that girl somehow accepted that fact. From the moment Manish died my role has changed. Now I was both father and mother to my daughter. We both have gone through long phases of sickness, emotional turmoil and various psychological upheavals. But we stood beside each other. Sometimes we have swapped our roles. I have never taught her any discipline, she has just learnt it on her own. We had our play dates, crossword book reading session, bedtime listening to music sessions and long chat sessions. We shared our insecurities and fears. We made new lifelong friends. We have experienced a little pain when she started with her adolescent age but we were back together and this time with a very strong bonding. We have some unspoken bond and we think alike many times and we know that the love just exists between us.

In September 2018, Sayali has shifted to London. She has started a new phase in her life. When I visited her last time, I was amazed to see the way she has settled down. At the same time, I have realized she is no more dependent on me for anything except money and that feeling has shattered the mother inside me. And then I realized – this girl has learnt to experience so many new things right from the time she was in my womb. She has learnt all the life skills, survival skills and literally everything along with me while going through all the experiences in last 19 years. I have always given her independence.  I have given her love and not discipline. I was always her friend than mother. So I feel my motherhood journey has stopped here and a journey of just being a witness of her self-discovery begins. I am an observer, a friend (if only she needs to have one), a facilitator till she becomes financially independent.  I loved each and every milestone of this motherhood journey. I didn’t know the destination but I walked. Sometimes the speed was really good but sometimes I stumbled, fell down shattered but picked up the pieces and rebuilt myself. The mother in me will remain within myself forever and I hope today I am ready to embrace my new role